Tour de Drugz

There’s not really an awful lot to say.

A national treasure that should be this country’s Tour de Force has once again pitifully degenerated into the annual Tour de Frauds. But no end of pathetic puns can relieve the shame and dishonour that a bunch of cheats has brought upon a sport that grips the nation every summer, yet refuses to deal with the problem that lies at its very core.

Rider after rider denies any involvement in drug-taking until they prove positive. And then they compound their deceit by claiming the tests were inaccurate. Last year’s winner for example, Floyd Landis, still maintains his innocence and one French cyclist several years ago, Richard Virenque, hotly refuted his involvement in “banned substances” until it was proven without a doubt. And he remains a hero to many followers of the sport, in spite of his EPO-enhanced exploits in the Alps and Pyrenees.

The Tour’s organisers and the sport’s governing body, ICU, defend themselves, claiming the very tests they carry out prove how much more of an effort they are making to rid the sport of its shame.

And while on the subject of shame, let’s take a quick look at what happened across the border last weekend. Belgium is often the butt of many a joke for the French, in much as Ireland is for England (for example where’s the biggest chip shop in the world? On the border between France and the Netherlands).

After recent elections, party leaders are trying to cobble together a coalition government and the most likely leader is Yves Leterme, the head of the Flemish Christian Democrats.

Last Saturday was a chance for Leterme to stamp his mark on a country traditionally divided along linguistic lines. And STAMP he did. July 21 is National Day in Belgium, and when asked by one of the country’s main TV channels what the day commemorated, he was unable to give the correct answer, mumbling incoherently about it “being the day the constitution was founded”. Wrong – It actually celebrates the day back in 1831 when Leopold 1 took the oath to become the first King of Belgium. Mind you it transpired that Leterme was in good company as a survey revealed that four out of five people had no idea why Belgians observed the day.

But Leterme was far from being finished. When reporters asked him to sing the opening lines of Belgium's national anthem, 'La Brabanconne', he broke into……….”La Marseillaise”. A bad joke as some suggested afterwards as he embarrassedly scuttled into the cathedral? Or more likely an ignorant oaf?

After all this is the same bloke who last year told a French newspaper that French speakers living around Brussels seemed "intellectually incapable" of learning Dutch. He has also in the past said the only things uniting the country were the King, the national soccer team and beer.

Ho hum.

Talking about a Velo-rution

Pedal power comes to Paris

After the celebrations of Bastille Day and another show of French Republicanism – very important to the National Identity apparently – there was more revolutionary activity on Sunday as the mayor of Paris, Bertrand Delanoé, marked his latest attempt to boost the French capital’s green credentials, this time with the launch of Velib.

It’s a copy of a scheme launched two years ago in Lyon, whose idea is to encourage motorists to leave their cars at home – or at least at an out of town car park – and make use of rented bikes. In Lyon (metropolitan population 1.6 million) it captured the hearts of the townsfolk where 60,000 temporary or permanent subscribers have made use of the city’s 4,000 bikes since the launch.

In Paris (metropolitan population 9 + million) the authorities are renting out an initial 10,000 bikes (set to double by the end of the years) at around 750 “stations”. The first half hour is free and then a complicated sliding scale of rates kicks in (Delanoé is clearly a child of French bureaucracy) which admittedly shouldn’t hit the wallets of users too dramatically. You can pick up a bike at one point and return it to another.

But can such a scheme in Paris– as well intentioned as it might be – really mirror the success it has had in Lyon?

Parisian drivers are famous for their lack of respect for the rules of the road in general and other road users in particular. They are Italians – just living further north in a city whose beautiful boulevards give priority to traffic from the right – a rule which some respect and some don’t. Having a dent or a scratch on your car is almost a badge of honour and as anyone who has ever tried to navigate around l’Arc de Triomphe in a car can testify, it requires a degree of madness and supreme will in an area in which even insurance companies won’t honour claims resulting from accidents.

To his credit, during his tenure in office, Delanoë has implemented a general overhaul of the roads – building a maze of bus lanes that manage to clog up the streets and setting up one-way systems that completely bypass some quarters. Driving has, in short, become a nightmare but it hasn’t helped reduce the number of cars or improve tempers and a dearth of separate bicycle lanes does not bode well for his new venture.

Now he seems to have thrown caution completely to the wind and decided to help unsuspecting tourists risk life and limb as they tackle the mild mannered driving skills of the Parisian motorists armed with nothing more than two wheels. And he hasn’t even made the wearing of helmets compulsory.

Velib is undoubtedly eco-friendly, nobody can dispute that, and could be a hit with the tourists – many of whom already use the excellent public transport system. But how much of an impact will it have on the behaviour of those that actually live and work in the city? How useful is it for a mother (or father) -of two, off to the local market for a spot of shopping, or a suit-clad banker hot-pedalling it from one meeting to another – enjoying the pleasures of a November monsoon?

The banks of the Seine are vehicle-free over the summer – frequently creating Sunday afternoon jams throughout the rest of the Paris. And in this bicycle-crazy nation, the Champs Elysees will be closed to traffic when the Tour de Drugz rolls into town for its climax in 10 days time. But it’s hard to imagine cyclists standing much of a chance there – or anywhere else in the city – on any other day of the year.

The pheasants aren’t revolting.

And they probably are eating cake

It’s July 14, a day to celebrate the storming of the Bastille and a stand against the tyranny of absolutism. A day of national celebration, pomp and military might here in France. After a night of fireworks, there’s a televised military parade along the world’s self-proclaimed Greatest Avenue with “les enfants de la patrie” remaining glued to their telly screens early afternoon in eager anticipation of The Wise One’s words.

But wait. Something’s not quite right here. Where’s that programme schedule?

Ah there it is…..Saturday….Saturday. Right TF1 08h55 - 12h05 “July 14 parade”. OK OK everything normal then. 12h05.a GAMESHOW. Huh? That can’t be right. Wait a mo’. France 2. 08h30 – yep “July 14 parade,” 11h55 – a DOCUMENTARY. France 3? Tour de France. What has happened? Where’s the President? Where’s the call to the hearts and souls of this nation’s folk? Where’s the trumpeting pride and call to the barricades that unites this European powerhouse? Where’s the French equivalent of the Queen’s Christmas message?

That’s right. He’s at it again. Breaking with tradition Nicolas Sarkozy has said there is absolutely no need for him to continue the ridiculous nonsense of “addressing the nation” on this day in particular. When he has something to say, he’ll pitch up on telly and say it BASTA.

Sounds like a wonderful piece of autocratic intervention perhaps whenever the mood suits him and it’ll undoubtedly give more grist to the mill in the cafés on the Left bank where the intellectuals are already pulling the man apart over his “unseemly and demeaning” habit of going for a morning jog. In their view it’s one apparent national scandal piled on top of another. And all the while he’s threatening to disrupt the status quo even further by a general overhaul of the institutions that define the very character of the country. He has set up a new all-party commission charged with making recommendations for constitutional form. By November 1!

Gulp. This “hyper presidency” is cracking along at a staggering pace. Will we all be able to keep up? Looking at the reaction of the opposition parties – probably not, especially as the whole country is about to go AWOL for two months. And all this “consultation “over university, health, environment and labour reform is bound to throw a spanner in the works of any credible opposition. Not to mention the fact that he keeps appointing opposition leaders to important domestic posts and recommending them for jobs abroad.

Still there’s always the July 14 Garden Party to look forward to. He hasn’t scrapped that and the weather’s good. And for sure Cecilia will look as radiant as ever in some stunning frock. Only hope there’s a little more than lemonade and iced tea on the drinks trolley as Sarkozy is a confirmed teetotal. Yikes a Frenchman who doesn’t drink. Thankfully he’s not vegetarian. Wonder what’s on the menu?

Pheasant perhaps?