Hallelujah pour la télécommande...zap

This is a follow-up piece to one written here several months ago.

Back then, I tried to "tell it as it is" for a jet-lagged, snooty foreigner let loose in a hotel room with the television remote control in New York City.

And that, after not getting a moment's shut-eye on the transatlantic flight.

Pure delight, as I remember.

This time around I'm turning the tables.

There's still that air of suitable superiority, as I hail from a country - Britain, which often tells itself (and the rest of the world) that it has the best telly available.

But I remain a foreigner or "étranger", happily living in France and therefore perhaps fittingly qualified to cast a somewhat critical eye on what's on offer on the small screen here.

Why now? Well, after the longest of introductions there is - believe it or not - a news angle to all of this.

You see last Monday saw the beginning of the end for advertising on public television here in France.

It was "stage one" in a plan announced by the French president, Nicolas Sarkozy, back in January 2007.

The eventual goal is a complete end to advertising on all public TV in an effort to "allow state-run channels to make better quality programmes."

The necessary legislation didn't quite make it through parliament in time for the cut-off date, so the head honcho of France television, Patrick de Carolis, was "advised" to take matters into his own hands, and stop advertising after eight o'clock in the evening from January 5.

Hence the term "stage one".

If everything goes according to plan, all advertising on public television will disappear by 2011.

The immediate effect though has been a change to the evening's scheduling on France 2, 3, 4 and 5 - the main national public channels, and some early manoeuvring from the private channels such as TF1 and M6 to compete for the now available extra advertising revenue.

"So what sort of impact has the initial changeover made so far?" You might (not) be asking.

Well it's early days yet - in fact probably far too early to make any definite predictions - so they're best left to one side.

But what it gives me is a "window" to open, to invite you to share with me some of the "pleasures" of French TV as is, as you settle back and take an evening's wander through zapping - à la Française.

I'll keep it short - promise.

Crisps at the ready? Are you sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin.

Choose a day - any day will do. But for the purposes of this post (and the fact that I spent the particular evening going square-eyed in front of the box), let's say Thursday. And this is what was on offer.

Remember as you read that commercials after eight o'clock on public television are now a thing of the past.

So what better way than to begin with TF1 - the country's main channel (and private), commercials galore in a measured sort of French way and a tribute to the very "best" of what's available here.

Er..........

First up "A prendre ou à laisser". Back after a two-year absence and obviously sorely missed, it's a game show which features 24 contestants, each with a box containing a certain amount of prize money from €1 to €500,000 or a "booby prize".

One of the lucky 24 is invited centre stage to choose the order in which the boxes are opened and the one he or she is left with is what he or she wins.

It could be half of (the prize has to be shared with a television viewer) or it could be half of a booby prize.

Intellectually stimulating and informative, where are the commercials? Oh here they are...zap

Over to France 3 and another game show, this time the perennial favourite, "Questions pour un champion".

Ah that's more like it, the contestants actually need to "know" something.

It has been running for donkeys years - and will probably continue to do so. Candidates have to answer questions on general knowledge for the chance to win a less-than magnificent prize (it's public television remember, so the financial resources aren't really available) and is well...quaint would seem to be the most appropriate word.

Think it would probably help to be French to answer some of those questions...zap

Back to the dumbed- down comfort of TF1 and "La Roue de la Fortune" or "Wheel of Fortune" - so no explanations needed for North American readers.

For those unfamiliar with the format however, here's a link to an explanation...zap

Over to M6, another private channel and "Un dîner presque parfait" or "An almost perfect dinner" - a French version of the British cookery programme, "Come dine with me".

Perhaps the change in title was to discourage the French from thinking that they really are the bees knees when it comes to matters culinary...zap

Back to France 2 and Julien Courbet's "Service Maximum". It's a consumer programme, which since it started in autumn last year, has taken a fair amount of stick, not least from the minister of culture, Christine Albanel, for apparently not fulfilling the remit of a public service broadcaster...zap

TF1 and commercials. Oh good I was wondering when they would be on. Time to go to the loo.

Er - did my enthusiasm for the arrival of the advertisements sound as though my surname was Sarkozy?

Sorry I forgot. TF1 is owned by Martin Bouygues, one of the French president's closest friends and someone who maybe, just maybe will benefit from the end of advertising on public television.

Ooops - how cycnical.

Loo break over...zap

More ads on France 2 just before the "watershed" then it's into hyper-zapping mode because it's eight o'clock and that means - well bedlum.

TF1 - weather followed by prime time news and more weather. There's a lot of it at the moment here in France.

France 2 - ditto

France 3 - regional news and weather over just in time for a highly successful French soap opera "Plus belle la vie".

Haven't a clue what that's all about. But isn't that supposed to be the beauty of such a series? Viewers can tune in (and out) sporadically and make complete sense of the "plot" within 20 seconds...zap

Canal Plus - in the middle of arguably the best daily news programme of the lot - Le Grand Journal - only available because at this time of the evening the channel isn't encrypted.

And the excellent satire to follow in the shape of Les Guignols...zapping ceases until it's over because the mocking wit of the puppets is just too good to miss.

A break for les Guignols - not the day in question, but always funny

Oh I'm flagging - and it's barely halfway through the evening.

News over (on all major channels) and weather repeated - a few commercials on TF1 and then straight into a French detective series - Julie Lescaut. Great, but no thank you...zap

France 2.....ah finally French television at what it probably does best.

"Envoyé Special", or "Special Correspondent" - a weekly current affairs programme that looks at issues in a little more depth than the two-and-a-half minutes provided in a regular news broadcast.

http://envoye-special.france2.fr/index-fr.php?page=accueil

There's a fascinating piece on Pierre Cardin, who's still going strong. I had no idea he was born in Italy.

And then some French tourists on a package tour of....wait for it....Iraq.

Go figure!

Because as one of them, explains, "He wants to find out the real story behind the news."

Er. There's just so much idiocy that can be withstood by this particular viewer as the 20 or so French holidaymakers try to justify why they decided to spend their Christmas hols in a war zone - against the better advice of the French foreign ministry...zap

Now's the time I wish I had a subscription to Canal Plus satellite - because it's the second series of "Dexter".

I've no idea what it is as I didn't see the first one (obviously), but it has been all over the media pages of the press today - so it must be good.

But unless I want to continue watching a blank screen that reads "you are not currently subscribed to this channel," it has to be the inevitable...zap

To Arte. Ah Arte. Zzzzzzzzzzz. Culture galore - a French-German venture with some wonderful opera from time to time, fascinating documentaries and great films that nobody really wants to watch, which results in an average nightly audience share of around 0.00001 per cent. Ok so I exaggerate, but you get the drift.

Tonight it's a documentary - in Italian with subtitles - on...well it's getting late and my Italian is a bit rusty at the best of times, so it's rather easy to lose track. So a quick...zap

M6 again "Mutant 2" - just about says all that's needed...zap

And that last minute frenzied zapping session when the lids are heavy, but the legs unwilling to climb the stairs.

Zap...zap...zap through some of the other 50 or so channels available that leave you (me) wondering just who can possibly watch that much television.

They include those 24-hour news programmes (in French) LCI, BFM, France 24, the multilingual Euronews or the international news broadcasters such as CNN and BBC, filling the airwaves with something the cynical might say is often little more than air.

Oh and how about a dose of German telly? We get that too on satellite here in France, along with Portuguese, Italian, Spanish, Polish Tunisian, Moroccan, Hungarian, Polish, Russian, Chinese...zap

No it's really too late, and anyway, where are the commercials?

Plus tomorrow is Friday - a work day, and you know what?

After all is said and done, this really isn't as much fun as zapping in the US.

So goodnight...zap.